Discuss what's going on between the sheets for a more fulfilling relationship
It goes without saying that you’d like to enjoy making love to your
partner; yet, nearly every other aspect of sex calls for a chat. Here’s
why: Couples who discuss tricky topics effectively are 10 times more
likely to
have a happy relationship than those who ignore difficult subjects, according to a study by Joseph Grenny, co-author of
Crucial Conversations.
“A handful of conversations make the biggest difference in the strength
and duration of a relationship,” says Grenny. “Talking about sexual
intimacy tops that small list.” Read on for eight issues to broach and
how to approach them so you can move on to more interesting things.
1. Limits. Unless you want to end up in a “50 Shades of OMG what are you doing?” situation, discuss boundaries. “While it’s
possible to have a good experience trying something new with no
communication, it’s also possible to have a
big fail,” says Carol Queen, PhD, Staff Sexologist for
Good Vibrations, an online sex toy shop. Determine what kinds of play you’re OK with
before
someone pulls out handcuffs. Also, choose a safe word, one unrelated to
sex either of you can say to halt what's happening. To start the limits
conversation, exchange one idea each about something you’d like to
experience. “Worst case: Your move stays a fantasy. Best case: There are
two new options on your sexual menu,” says Dr. Queen.
2. Ruts. It can be easy to move into patterns in a sexual relationship, “especially if a couple starts out with little
sex information
or strong opinions about what ‘normal’ sex is, leading them to reject
many erotic options,” says Dr. Queen. If your sexual playbook becomes
staid, she suggests talking to a sex therapist or coach—or doing some
reading. “Some books, like
Hot Sex! Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight, are made to be browsed together, giving you
spicy ideas and info to boot,” says Dr. Queen.
3. Dysfunction. Failure to launch and premature party ending are touchy subjects. “Most guys don’t want to talk about it while in bed,” says
Joel D. Block, PhD, author of
Do It My Way. So instead, “ask him to pleasure you—it takes the tension away from his difficulty.” If
you
have the issue, say, dryness, Dr. Block suggests saying, “I love when
you go more slowly” or “I need more foreplay to get me started.” If
dysfunction happens repeatedly, acknowledge the problem outside of the
bedroom. “You could say, ‘If I’m feeling pressured it works against me,
but know that I’m OK. We’ll get past this.” If he elaborates, cool. If
not, drop the issue knowing you’ve at least mentioned it in a sensitive,
supportive manner.
4. Safety. “It doesn’t matter how many sex partners
each of you has had,” points out Dr. Queen. “HPV and other bugs hitch a
ride on human genitals, just as the common cold goes for your nose and
throat.” It’s best to talk about this matter-of-factly before you have
sex for the first time. Try: “This is what I do for birth control” and
“These are my standards for safe sex.” “It’s your body, and some
conditions are forever—including unplanned offspring,” adds Dr. Queen.
5. Exclusivity. Don’t assume. “If you don’t come to a
clear verbal agreement and think, ‘he couldn’t be with someone else,’
you’re lying to yourself,” says Laurie Puhn, couples mediator, author
and creator of the nationwide course
Fight Less, Love More.
“Many women prefer to assume exclusivity because they’re afraid the guy
won’t agree to it.” In that case, you should know and make an informed
decision about whether to have sex. How do you get into that topic
gracefully? “You should both feel comfortable, perhaps in one of your
homes or in a dimly lit lounge,” says Puhn. “Just don’t talk about it
when either of you has had more than one drink.”
6. Timing. Are you in the mood now? What about now?
“If one person is raring to go and the other gives compliance sex,’ it
will not only fail to be physically gratifying but also to produce
emotional connection,” says Grenny. It’s better to talk about not
wanting sex, but how do you say “no” without it sounding like
“never”? “Touch your mate, smile and suggest another time,” says Puhn.
“This says I love you and want to be intimate, but not tonight.” Be sure
to follow through on the follow-up appointment.
7. Feedback. Discuss what turns you on—and what
doesn’t—as unnatural as it may feel. “Our partners aren’t mind readers,”
explains Dr. Queen, who suggests starting with, “There are things I
think about, sexually, that I never mention.” From there, a general “Can
we talk about this more?” usually does the trick. During the act,
“maneuver into position and make sounds of pleasure to encourage your
partner toward a certain behavior,” says Dr. Block. “Men appreciate
these nonverbal prompts.” They also respond well to comments that are
about you, rather than about him. So instead of “do this," try, “When
you do this, it’s hot for me.”
8. Planning. This may sound utterly unromantic, but couples should talk about how to fit sex into their busy schedules. “Americans have intercourse an average of a bit more than once a week,” says Dr. Block. “But it's quality, not quantity that counts.” Dr. Block
suggests deciding how much is mutually acceptable, and whether that
includes quiet sex while visiting relatives and unexpected quickies.
If
one of you is a morning sex person and the other an evening sex person,
“calendar a compromise: a weekend afternoon delight or an after-work
assignation,” says Dr. Queen.
via .womansday.com/
